Did I mean it? That I wanted to share a little part of my day? Does it mean REALLY sharing the good, the bad, the funny, the sad? Or just the humorous parts of life? Some of you might find today's entry a little, ummm, oh, I don't know, hard to read. Let me just get to it. I hope in the end, after the hard to read stuff, you are reminded, as I was today, of the amazing God that LOVES each one of us!
Let's backtrack just a bit to 2006. As Caleb approached his first birthday, I was so sure that God had placed it on my heart to add to our family; to bring into this world a little brother or sister for Caleb. What could be finer to grow our family and have one more precious bundle to love? We expected a lot of things on the journey, but what we did not expect was a journey filled with such heartache. Was it a learning process? Definitely! A process that involved learning to trust God and keeping the faith that HE KNOWS what is best for us!
Here we are, seven miscarriages later...the calendar turns over to January 2010. I suddenly realize that we are done. No more. I can't do it. I just want to be me, enjoy what is in the here and now. To love my family to the fullest. I can do that. I want to do that. I want to turn the page of this journey and move on. I pat myself on the back and remind myself that while it does still hurt, it's all going to be ok. God's answer is sometimes "no," and I do trust Him to know what's best for our family.
For the most part, I'm good. God answered my prayer, to either bring the baby or take away the desire. For me the desire is fading. Just fleeting moments here and there that remind me that I am a woman and having babies was the one thing I always wanted in life. And I did have them. Four of them to be exact. Four awesome blessings here on earth, that I treasure and thank God for every day. And nine angels in heaven (yes, two angels before Caleb and seven angels after). Just knowing that they are all in the arms of Jesus gives me the greatest comfort a mother could ever have.
But then a day like today comes around. The sharing of another persons struggle with infertility. What does that do to me? This heartfelt sharing of a testimony? For me, it brings about a surge of feelings and emotions that I thought were long gone. It is not that the desire to have a baby has suddenly resurfaced. No, that's not it. It's just the process of someone sharing their story, showing me that I am not alone. It's the realization that there are others out there who've been on this path, have had these same feelings and know exactly how I feel. An affirmation of sorts, that I'm not crazy for feeling what I feel.
So, while we sat in the darkness, music playing -- I cried...tears of understanding, tears for finally letting go of the dream that will never be. And while I cried, God chose the sweetest way to remind me that He is there and my life is complete. As I wiped the streaks of tears from my cheeks with the palms of my hands, my sweet Caleb suddenly appeared in front of me, arms outstretched to crawl into my lap. I pulled him to me and he wrapped his little boy arms around my neck, squeezing ever so tight. My tears came harder for a few moments, but they were not tears of sadness. Just tears of acceptance. Acceptance for a God who is all Knowing, all Powerful, all Faithful, and the great Provider.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
He sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends His love and His faithfulness. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Psalm 57:3; 9-10
I was reminded, in a bittersweet moment, that my cup runeth over...
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Psalm 23:5
What more can be said? Right now? Not a single thing.